


i love you (and i don't want to)

by pokemonnovice



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Main Video Game Series), Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I'm Sorry, M/M, Melancholy, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers, but not really, it's only a semi happy ending, this is so self-indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-18 14:12:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19336135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pokemonnovice/pseuds/pokemonnovice
Summary: When Red leaves, he leaves a void that can't be filled. A void that Green so desperately tries not to slip into.





	i love you (and i don't want to)

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Suicidal thoughts/tendencies are talked about in this story. While they are in no way glorified, please steer clear if this topic upsets you. Stay safe!

Scalding hot water splashes over the side of the tub as Green sinks further and further down. His nose is barely above the edge of the water, pale toes clasping onto the ledge. Taking a final, deep breath, he sinks beneath the surface.

The pressure rattling his ears is overwhelming, the urge to breathe clawing at his throat, but he stays where he is. It's psychotic and dangerous and perhaps just on the edge of suicidal that he's been tiptoeing along for months but that's beside the point. It's release and he craves it more than anything.

The silence haunts and comforts him all at once. Clings to his skin in places he didn't even know existed. He craves the peace but despises the loneliness. Or is it the other way around? He can't sort it out with his head pounding as his body begs him to seek air.

His arms start shaking and his vision is flashing white. It's only now that his mind registers the danger of what he's doing. And he's not scared.

But he rises to the surface anyway. It's only now that he realizes the trouble he's gotten himself into.

~~~

The days pass by agonizingly slowly. Gym, calling Red, gym, calling Red, gym, calling Red.

He cracks just a little more each time his call is declined.

The nagging from Professor Oak doesn't help, either.

~~~

Green takes an "extended break" from the gym and moves in with Red's mom.

The silence they share over breakfast is deafening. He's choking on the need to say something, to save the woman that's been the only parental figure in his life. But he can't.

They sit and cry in silence together.

~~~

What does it mean to hate someone? Do you constantly think about them the way Green thinks about Red? Do you constantly want to know what they're up to? Why they've done the things they've done? Green doesn't know, and his heart breaks just thinking about stupid Red and the dreams that he ripped straight out of Green's hands. But he can't help but think that maybe, just maybe, he misses him.

Just a little bit.

(But don't tell anyone).

~~~

Fuck Red.

For leaving his mother here.

For leaving Green to pick up the pieces.

For leaving Green to rot in this god-forsaken town.

~~~

His legs are stinging, his vision is blurring, and he can't seem to catch his breath but he keeps running. Running like his life depends on it. And it honestly does.

He crashes into the water - waves rippling past stunned Pokémon. He's choking on a sob and lake water and he feels like he's dying so he dives underwater because that's what he does, right? Pushes himself to the brink of death only to come back up and act like he's in control. To act like he does this to feel powerful and put together when in reality every time he goes underwater he's a little closer to never coming back up.

But he does. He always does. Because even though every fiber of his being is begging him to let go, to give up, to rest – he can't, even though he so desperately wants to.

~~~

Eevee won't leave his side after the last incident - scared Green won't be able to stop himself. She starts to wake him up every morning with snuggles and kisses because if Red won't do it then she surely will.

Green deserves all the love in the world.

~~~

Green and Red's mother are cleaning out the spare bedroom when he finds a picture of him and Red together, smiling at a Poliwag out by the lake.

"You love him, don't you?"

"I - I don't know what you're talking about."

"If he loved you, he wouldn't be hurting you like he is now. I love him, Green, but he's a stupid, selfish boy."

She sighs before turning around and wrapping Green up in the warmest hug.

"I love you. I just wish that was enough."

~~~

Day by day, warmth floods into the house. Flowers are blooming, Pokémon are happily chirping, and Green feels like the numbness is finally receding.

He can feel again.

~~~

It's Red's mother that actually convinces him to go to Kalos.

"I think you need some fresh air. Just apply, Green. You'll never know if you don't try."

"But - what about you?"

"I'll be fine. You've done more than enough for me. You need to start working on yourself, Green. You can't just sit here with me and wait forever. You deserve to go out and live."

~~~

"Hey Lance, I'm thinking about -"

"I know. The gym will be waiting for you when you get back. Go take care of yourself, Green."

"Are you sure, I mean-"

"Goodbye, Green."

~~~

It's a Pikachu that stops Green from boarding the ship.

His Pikachu, that is.

Green narrows his eyes, searching for the trainer that he knew couldn't be far away.

Still, Green freezes when a pair of brown eyes meet his. He feels sweat drip down his palms as Eevee wraps her tail around Green's neck, mewling in an attempt to calm him.

Red slowly approaches, cap pulled down to completely cover his face.

They stand in silence for a while, staring at each other. Slowly, Red begins to sign.

'Green, I-'

Green's eyes widen as anger swells in his gut.

"You WHAT, Red? Do you think you can just come down here like nothing happened after you've been away for years! How did you even know I was here?"

'Professor Oak.'

Green gapes before getting up in Red's face.

"So you'll talk to Gramps but not me or your OWN mother?"

Red flinches, backing away ever so slightly.

'I was scared.'

"You were scared?!"

'Scared of what I did when I beat you. I hurt you.'

"You hurt me worse when you left."

Red hung his head in shame.

'I figured you would never want to see me again.'

"Yeah, well I thought the same. Turns out we're both idiots."

Red looks up, hope gleaming in his eyes.

"I'm not saying I forgive you. I'm not even close to it."

'I understand.'

"Go visit your mother, Red. She needs you."

Red nods, gripping his backpack straps.

"And Red? Be sure to call."

Red grins, lifting his hands in hesitation.

'Of course. I....' He gulps. 'I love you.'

Green's eyes widen ever so slightly. Did he just say what he thought he did?

Green pushes away years of guilt and sadness as he lifts his eyes to meet Red's.

"I love you, too."

He turns away, running towards the boat. He leaps on just in time as the captain lifts the anchor.

And as the waves beat against the sides, and the sun shines down on him, Green whispers to himself, "and I don't want to."

**Author's Note:**

> So you made it to the end. If you wanna yell at me about how bad this is, leave a comment down below or visit me on Dreamwidth (same username).
> 
> Edit: I changed some of the paragraphs with weird tenses. I thought I did that earlier but it didn't save - yikes.


End file.
